computer games

i dont understand why people just dont grow up and stop playing computer games. even when i was a child i thought they were for cunts and bummers. "oh but they're so good for hand-eye co-ordination and dexterity which is ever so important in a child's development". "yes, but so is playing criket in the park with jumpers for goalposts (so to speak), running around, getting fresh air, interacting with other children". i never got kidnapped, raped or abused or came to any harm at all. as far as im concerned, computer games are fucking evil and hinder chilrens' development, both physically and socially. no wonder they're all fat layabouts with attitude problems. the only excercise they get is texting each other. cunts. i know they could play computer games and play in the park, but the former is usually a distraction from the latter. computer games are scum of the earth. i would rather spend two weeks as a redcoat entertaining OAPs by drawing phallic symbols in my own shit, acompanied by celine dion, who i have to go down on as an encore, whilst anisly harriot bumms me, his hideous laughter mocking me with every stroke, than play computer games. although, to be fair, i quite enjoyed chuckie egg.

Men! Are you happy with your razor?

I use disposable bic ones. I don't get this obsession with REALLY CLOSE SHAVES. Well actually I do, it's marketing driven by greedy scum. But anyway, who gives a fuck? "Der, I need da really close shave George, because da man in da ad did. Hid rador had six blades". Yeah Alan, you cunt, go and buy the cunting razor that won't make you look even remotely like the ridiculously handsome chap in the ad, the mere sight of which makes your girlfriend (even tho she's probably imaginary) AS WET AS AN OTTER'S POCKET. My shave is adequately close thankyou very much. What's more it doesn't remove so much natural moisture etc. from my skin I have to shell hard earned dosh out on some cunting balm to "replenish and rejuvenate my skin leaving it comprable in texture to a sixteen year old girl's bottom (allegedly)". I will fight them in Boots, I will fight them in Tescos. I will never surrender, whatever the cost may be. I AM NOT A SLAVE.

Are you warm enough?

lisen you cunts and listen good. it was about 30 fucking degrees in every cunting shop in town. some people complain they're too hot when it's 25 degrees outside in the summer, but like it to be even hotter inside in the winter. and not fresh air and sunshine hot. oh no. central heating that dries you out and gives you a headache hot. not very nice when you're NOT EVEN WEARING A CUNTING COAT. but as i was out shopping, funnily enough i was wearing one. whilst the staff in the shops were mocking me with their thin, short-sleeved shits and blouses. i find it hard enough not to break out into a sweat when i see some thick girl sixth former at her saturday job sporting a pony tail and a white blouse at the best of times. but when the cunting central heating is on and i'm wearing a winter coat, it's out-fucking-rageous. i must have scared the poor bitches shitless. still fuck 'em, i hope they catch pneumonia from the air conditioning in the summer.

and another thing, why are all the jumpers and tops or whatever the fuck you cunts call them in the shops at the moment so cunting thick? "dur, because it's cold out you stupid, yet sexually attractive fool" i hear you cry. yes but that's what coats are for you utter, utter gaylords. IT'S NOT COLD INSIDE IS IT? WITH THE TRUSTY CENTRAL HEATING CONTROL SUPER-GLUED TO THE "DEATH" SETTING. "ooh look at me i'm wearing a really thick jumper. lucky it's fucking roasting in the hob tonight, other wise i may have been cold". take your thick wooly winter jumper and get to fuckery you retard. go on, do one. before i talk to you about emmerson lake and palmer.

classic comment on murder she wrote

"he's been seriously murdered"

so the obvious response is: well obviously it was serious - murder is - would it have been funny if he'd been murdered by a clown? but that's not what made me laugh. oh no. i just like the fact the word seriously is normally indicative of the gravity of a situation, the obvious example being "he was seriously injured". as opposed to just a bit. so to hear "he was seriously murdered" made me think that he could have been murdered just a bit. you know, a mild case of murder. but he'll get better.

Boris becker

i like boris becker. mad as a lettuce drier of course. but I think he's hilarious. on another note, they just showed a clip of last year's final. at the end andy roddick gave roger federer a hug after he'd been beaten by him. jimmy conners was quite surprised by this suggesting that the idea of john macenroe hugging him after a match was laughable. this took me back to school - once, when the exam results were read out in descending placement order, richard o'connor (who i'd sat next to all term) gave me a hug on learning that he'd come second and i'd come first - because he was delighted that we were the best. had it been the other way round however, and he'd have beaten me, i'd probably have poked him in the eye with a hole-punch or slammed his dick in the desk. as i did every wednesday. private school education. you just can't beat it. "and there's nothing worse than wet lettuce". quote from a hardened lettuce drier user.